I turn 42 this week. I have two kids, ages two and under. I haven’t ruled out a third child and wonder what the world would feel like with three kids under the age of five. I work in international development and am based in Almaty, Kazakhstan, although, the job is regional and has me traveling to capitals in every direction. In the next month, I will travel to Astana, Tashkent, Dushanbe, Ashgabat, and Bangkok. Having put my foot down, I will send surrogates to Bishkek and Shymkent–declaring that enough is enough. Who can find those cities on a map without asking the precocious fourth-grader in the house who is currently studying geography to find them?
Five months into this assignment, we have come to realize that Central Asia feels like the last stop on planet earth. We often ask ourselves if there is a less known, less visited, less on-the-way-part of the world, where would it be. Many friends and colleagues have traveled to all corners of Africa, China, New Zealand, the tip of Chile, the innards of Afghanistan, and even out to the tail of Alaska and yet never considered a visit to the heart of Turkmenistan. The contender is likely Antarctica.
This post is part five of what I have learned from traveling so much as a working mother, with an unconventional home set-up. That is code for I don’t have a stay-at-home partner who joyfully manages all childcare and doctor’s visits while putting her career on hold for five to seven years while the children grow their way into day-long kindergarden. I have a supportive partner, a day time nanny, a night time nanny, a housekeeper, and daycare which I juggle while each week in a new location and often with an on-location, sight-unseen, nanny who works out of the hotel. We have all become expert travelers with four separate frequent flyer numbers on Air Astana–the remarkable local airline.
Recently, we traveled to Dubai and Istanbul for work. We bombed one trip and aced the next. Sadly, it was impossible to hire childcare in Dubai–literally impossible. I canvassed my 900+ Facebook friends for leads. Although many friends had lived there or had friends still stationed there, no one knew of an available baby sitter. Next, I tried the U.S. Embassy Community Liaison Office, which everywhere else I have traveled has been my one-stop-shop for finding childcare vetted and recommended by other American families. I got a grim email from them stating, “We offer no assistance in finding childcare.” I should have known right then, that I was setting myself up for failure. This is an outlier and it was the first red flag.
When we arrived in Dubai, we visited all the must see sights: the tallest building in the world, the aquarium, and the beach. I asked the concierge for childcare, they had none–second red flag. I was finally given the contact for a local agency that could assist for rates that were quadruple what I have paid anywhere else. They sent me a scale with different prices for each nationality. I opted to keep searching. I went to the salon at the hotel and asked the manicurists who represented Vietnam, Philippines, and India if any of them had a friend, cousin, or sister looking for a two-day job babysitting out of my hotel room. Not one, had a single friend or relative available to work part-time–third red flag.
I slowly came to understand, that no one comes to Dubai without a job. Each person working in Dubai came with an agency from their home country with a job and a visa tied to that job. They all worked six days a week and didn’t know a soul who didn’t. Finally, feeling sorry for me, the ladies in the salon recommended a woman, who lived in staff housing behind the hotel who could care for Santi and Zadie in her apartment along with their kids, although I might not be able to enter the complex to inspect the premises. My stomach turned in knots. I said thank you, but then, no thank you.
Finally, a sweet, compassionate, kid-crazy Vietnamese woman named Queen offered to help us out on her day off and my partner took both kids to the beach on the second day of my conference. She has a full time job as well, so this wasn’t ideal, in fact, we consider our attempt to wing it in Dubai, as working women who travel, a reminder to never take the band again on a work trip. But really, who can leave them behind? Not me, at least not yet.
We did get a bit smarter for our Istanbul work trip. Thankfully, the U.S. Embassy offered a long list of names, with references to call on. We found a nanny, whose main family was on vacation for the dates we were in town. We were able to each work during the day, while the nanny took care of the kiddos in the room. We had her come early enough so we could each hit the gym, both knowing that self-care is the key to sanity. We also protected our couple time by building in a day-time date for us to roam the markets without two kids hanging from our back and chest, we each got a new primary color pair of knock-off city walking shoes and a trip to the Hammam. Sometimes, it all comes together and it clicks. Childcare is nothing less than everything when both adults work and one job requires constant travel. I know, I know, wrong job when I have small kids.
On the brighter side, Zadie has visited nine countries in nine months. Santi loved the Bosphorus tour, and we gobbled up all the Turkish delight, halva, and baklava in sight.
This week, I am turning a page in this book and taking my first trip to Astana on my own. This will be the first night in my life as a mother that I don’t see one or both of my kids. I am ready for it and am grateful for what just might be the perfect birthday–a night alone, a full night’s sleep, and a trip to the gym in the morning that doesn’t involve pumping, translating my requests into Russian, and that constant worry that something could be wrong.
Belonging Matters 